A PLC Guide

School Avoidance

Practical steps for parents to support a struggling child

Two teens sitting on on a couch reading books

Any of us who attended school remember the need for a day off. We needed the weekends and holiday breaks. Sometimes we may have pretended to be a little more sick than we actually were, or asked our parents for a "mental health" day. This is typical behavior for a school-aged child, but this is not school avoidance.

School avoidance is not a diagnosis per se, but a pattern of persistent difficulty attending or remaining in school. It is characterized by severe emotional distress and may manifest in physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches.

If you are a parent of a child with school avoidance, you’re probably familiar with this scene: It’s Monday morning and getting late. Your child has not emerged from their bedroom. You may call their name to get up. Maybe you text them: “UP?” No response. You enter their room and see they haven’t even gotten out of bed. You know they won’t make it to school.

And this scene may be a part of a frustrating cycle. You may conduct evening “negotiations” with your child, discussing the next morning, plans for what to wear, and the importance of a breakfast. A fresh start. You go to bed with fingers crossed. Yet the next morning brings the same situation: an unresponsive child hiding under blankets. You may resort to other tactics: bribes of Starbucks or Dunkin’, threats of punishment, or logical arguments about how “there are some things you just have to do” and how school is good practice for this.

You may find yourself at wit’s end. You are not alone. Many children experience an extreme resistance to going to school, and many parents report the complete ineffectiveness of trying to fight it. It may help to take a different approach.

Recommendations

Explore the Underlying Issues

In our work with teens who have experienced school avoidance, we’ve come to understand that the best thing you can do is to listen carefully to them. As parents we can first trust ourselves to recognize that all is not well; we should extend that trust to our children to work with them to figure out what’s going on.

It can be difficult to find an opportune time to talk with your child. Consider what might be the best conditions for a conversation. Maybe in the car? Maybe out to dinner? Again, you know your child and can probably predict where and when you have the best chances of a successful conversation. You may also ask your child when they are able to talk. You might give them a window of time, maybe asking “could we talk sometime in the next few days?”

When you do get a chance to talk with them, use a collaborative problem-solving approach rather than moving directly into giving advice and offering solutions. Start by letting them know that you’re there to help and just try to be inquisitive. You can ask if the reason for not going to school is a social situation or bullying that’s taking place. Maybe it’s generalized anxiety or another health issue. Or they may not be suited for intense academic competition and pressure. In all of these cases, you can just listen—non-judgmentally—validating that their feelings are understandable. It’s easy for a child to feel like there’s something wrong with them, when in fact the problem is something beyond their control. Our blog post "Maybe It’s the Environment" discusses how school itself may play into school avoidance for a child.

Be patient. Even when asked in an empathic way, many kids are unable to articulate why they don’t want to go to school. Demanding an explanation will only work against you. On top of whatever they feel about school, consider that they probably also feel a sense of shame about not being able to go. The last thing they need is a parent further shaming them about it. If the conversation doesn’t arrive at any definitive conclusion or solution, that’s ok. You want to communicate to your child that it’s ok not to have the answer, that this may be complicated and it may take some time to figure out. You want them to know that you’re willing to be patient.

In a situation like this, it may be a good practice to keep a journal of the situation. Sometimes our kids’ perceptions, as well as our own, are distorted. A journal can remind us of the specifics of the conversations we’ve had as well as the simple data of how many days our child has missed school. A journal can also be a good way to keep from repeating yourself (something adults do a lot with kids), and it can help us stick to our own commitments we make with our child.

It may be that the school environment is only part of what is causing your child to resist going to school. But it can be a knotty problem. Clinical psychologist Dr. Naomi Fisher cautions parents that “... sending kids to therapy [for school avoidance] can send a really insidious message that the problem is with them.… That’s something I really try to emphasize in all of my work: the problem isn’t the kids. We actually have a system in which lots of kids can’t thrive.” However, if your child is experiencing stress and anxiety in areas of their life that seem to be outside of the influence of school, you may want to seek professional help.

Resources

Tackling School Avoidance, by Naomi Fisher
Lives in the Balance, website about collaborative problem solving
Maybe It’s the Environment, by Katy Anastasopoulos and Joel Hammon
Video: School Avoidance with Dr Naomi Fisher
PLC Guide: Stress, Anxiety, and School

Engage with the SChool

There is increasing understanding of the impact of the school environment on children and adolescent mental health. When a child refuses to go to school, they are communicating to you that the school is not meeting their needs. And it’s easy for parents to simply just want to solve the problem. It’s fair to consider with your child what changes are needed so they can get “back to school”? However, Naomi Fisher, clinical psychologist and author, urges parents to reassure the child that you won’t force them to go if they don’t want to, that there are other viable options (see the next section). Kids need to know that the collaboration is not just a sneaky way of trying to get them back to school, when the necessary changes can’t be made.

Part of the problem may be your child’s lack of control in their education. Before deciding to problem solve with the school about the issues, talk to your child about the idea of discussing their struggles with someone at school. If your child is onboard with trying to return to school, consider meeting with school staff to ask if they can be more accommodating. Ask your child if they’d like to attend. Your local school may be understanding of the struggles your child is facing and willing to make changes that could better support them.

Many schools have a school-based intervention team, offering a collaborative approach to working with families with school-related issues. If your child struggles with school avoidance, you may have had a number of difficult, not helpful, and frankly exhausting interactions with the school. You think, why try again? The idea here is to meet with school staff on your terms, to share about your struggles, to connect around the specific issues, to review what’s been tried, and to make a plan for actionable changes.

Although school staff may have a standard agenda for the meeting, ask if you can start the meeting by discussing how things have been going for people, a kind of check-in time. How are people feeling about this meeting? What have teachers and others observed? If your child is present, ask them to share what’s going on for them. Share what you’ve observed at home. Share about how you and your child are feeling and what your needs are. Encourage the school staff person to share their feelings and needs. Taking a few minutes to understand what’s happening for each of you will promote collaboration and empathy.

Next, share with the school staff person what your child believes to be at the root of their avoidance of school. Discuss any strategies you, your child, or the school have tried to help your child with going to school and how well each strategy has worked.

The heart of the meeting will be discussing and deciding on new accommodations that can be tried out. These may include: adjusted school schedules (e.g., late start, partial days); a designated safe space at school where the student can take breaks; academic support, such as tutoring or modified assignments; gradual re-entry strategies to help the student reintegrate. Ensure that as an outcome of the meeting the school will prepare a written plan, including a timeline for assessing how it’s going.

After the meeting, discuss with your child how it went and the various options that can be tried out. Does the idea of making changes feel hopeful? Encourage them to share about how they are feeling to try out each of the strategies. What concerns do they have? Listen and validate their feelings and concerns and express your confidence in their ability to navigate the challenges in a way that’s best for them. If the meeting has gone well you may be hopeful that the plan will be successful at getting your child “back to school.” However, it’s important to recognize that the issues may be too entrenched, and not something the school can effectively address. We describe alternatives to conventional school in the next section.

One last point. It can be effective for a school avoidant child to be seen, known, and valued by a school staff person. A trusted, friendly person who involves your child in some routine work can make all the difference—perhaps helping in the office, the technology lab, the gym, etc. If your child is feeling positive about the changes discussed at the meeting and is willing to give them a try, explore with them if there’s someone at school that they feel connected to or who they might enjoy spending time with. Consider options for connecting with that person around how your child could help out.

For many young people, trying to make school work for them is just too hard. If that’s your child it may be that an alternative educational path is a better fit. Sometimes having the freedom to turn down those alternative choices allows a child to discover that returning to school is their preferred choice.

Resources

Consider Alternatives to school

Just considering leaving your local school can be scary, and maybe more so when your child is struggling. But know that finding a workable alternative approach for your school avoidant child is achievable. There are many and varied schools and programs that offer an alternative educational path for a young person for whom conventional school is not a good fit. As you explore options, talk with your child about what features they feel are important in an alternative.

Private schools

A number of private schools have philosophies and programs that offer a distinct alternative to the typical public school structures and methods, especially for younger children. Note that many schools offer a sliding scale to support a diversity of economic backgrounds. We suggest searching up any of the following to see what’s available in your local area:

Montessori Schools: Focus on children's natural interests and activities rather than formal teaching methods, hands-on learning, and fostering independence and critical thinking. Emphasize creativity, autonomy, and intrinsic motivation.
Waldorf Schools: Emphasize arts, imagination, and hands-on activities. Nurture creativity and emotional development.
Sudbury Schools, Free Schools, and Democratic Schools: Align with the principles of Self-Directed Education. Employ democratic decision-making shared between students and adults. Use a non-coercive environment, emphasize freedom, trust, and responsibility.
Forest and Nature Schools: Foster deep connections with the natural world. Emphasize child-led learning, unstructured play, and social-emotional skills in a community environment.
Reggio Emilia Schools: Emphasize child-centered learning, collaborative teaching, connecting with nature, and flexible curriculum. Based on the idea that children are capable of learning on their own.
Friends Schools: Known for their academic excellence and their holistic approach to education, which aims to develop the whole child. Based on Quaker beliefs and practices.

Online schools provide another educational option. They offer a full curriculum of structured courses, some flexibility, and are accessible from anywhere that has reliable internet. Some states have public online schools that are free for in-state students. Online schools can be a good option for a student who’s self-disciplined and independent, where their struggle with school is unrelated to the academics. For young people who need more support and want a community of friends, an in-person option is usually better.

Homeschooling

A first step for many parents whose children are not a good fit for conventional school is to explore the option to homeschool. Homeschooling is a growing educational option in the US, with many supports locally and nationally. The laws vary from state to state; many states have homeschooling associations that offer support for families as they work to get set up. For example, in New Jersey you just need to let the school know that your child is withdrawing to homeschool, usually accomplished by visiting the school office to complete their withdrawal forms. New Jersey does not require any specific curriculum, record-keeping, or standardized testing. But even in states with more requirements, navigating the specifics does not need to be onerous.

If you are leaving school because of issues with school avoidance, your child will likely need some time to deschool. Make time for your child and yourself to adjust to learning outside of the structure of a school, and to discover what and how you want to support learning. It’s tempting to jump in with a curriculum, but giving yourselves time to decompress and re-fresh can better support stepping into a new learning journey. (See deschooling article in Resources section.)

There are various philosophies of homeschooling (see article in Resources section). We are proponents of Self-Directed Education, commonly called unschooling. We believe that education is what derives from a person’s self-chosen activities and life experiences. Self-Directed Education encourages children to explore their interests and curiosities naturally rather than adhering to a set curriculum. Learning happens everywhere—at home, in parks, libraries, or museums—creating a flexible environment where children can thrive outside conventional classroom settings. Children choose what they want to learn, diving deeply into topics that fascinate them. For example, a child captivated by dinosaurs might spend weeks reading books, watching documentaries, or visiting museums to satisfy their curiosity.

Play is central to Self-Directed Education, with younger children often learning through imaginative games, building, storytelling, or experimenting with art and music. Real-world learning, like cooking or money management, is seamlessly integrated into daily life. These activities naturally develop critical thinking, problem-solving, and social skills. Parents play a crucial role as facilitators, guiding their children by providing resources and creating a safe, enriching environment for exploration. The focus is on holistic development, nurturing emotional, social, and physical growth alongside intellectual curiosity. Self-Directed Education can be rewarding for families who embrace its flexibility and trust in their child’s innate desire to learn. Each day can look very different, reflecting the individuality of the child and their unique interests.

As children reach their teen years, Self-Directed Education often begins to include more adult-like activities. Teens may take a formal class to improve their skills in an area, get started with an internship or volunteer work, or spend significant time and effort on a creative project. These more complex activities help teens develop practical skills and a deeper understanding of their goals. Our guide “College Without High School” describes a number of options open to older youth—enrolling in a vocational school, participating in a foreign exchange program, starting at community college (you don’t need a high school diploma to enroll as a college student!), taking online college courses, working with a tutor, and more.

Homeschooling offers enormous flexibility. For a child who is not a good fit for conventional school, designing your own educational path can be rejuvenating.

Resources

Homeschool law: NJ, PA
State Homeschool Association: NJ, PA
Deschooling your Family
Homeschooling philosophies
Self-Directed Education
Free to Learn, by Peter Gray
Find a NJ homeschooling Facebook group that's a good fit for your family

Homeschool support centers and microschools

For families seeking the flexibility of homeschooling but unsure about managing it on their own, professionally-run homeschooling support centers and microschools can be an ideal solution. Homeschool support centers—more recently termed microschools—are small, community-oriented programs that typically serve a small number of students, often between 5 and 50. They are designed to provide personalized learning experiences, flexibility, and close-knit teacher-student relationships. Centers and micro-schools often emphasize innovation in teaching methods and adapt their curriculum to suit the specific needs and interests of students. See this listing of independent Self-Directed Education centers in the US. Prenda, Acton Academy, and KaiPod are popular microschool organizations.

Homeschool support centers like Princeton Learning Cooperative operate during regular school hours throughout the academic year, offering a variety of resources and support. For example, PLC (a center serving 12-18 year olds) offers a weekly program of classes, tutoring, and activities in a vibrant and caring community of teens and adults. Teens practice collaboration, leadership, and decision-making in a community environment. Staff offer assistance with finding work and volunteer opportunities, and guidance in documenting learning and applying to college.

Each teen is paired with a personal staff mentor, with whom they meet weekly. The mentor helps them explore the opportunities available both at the center and in the broader community. Teens have the freedom to design a structure and level of engagement that suits their individual needs. In essence, centers like PLC provide a homeschooling experience without the need for parents to take on the entire responsibility themselves.