Many teens who love learning find school stressful and anxiety-provoking. Not all teen anxiety is related to school, but Pew research surveys reveal that an overwhelming majority of students are often or always stressed at least in part by schoolwork, overloaded schedules, and academic pressures. This results in emotional problems, exhaustion, and sleep deprivation for many. The fast pace, numerous demands on kids’ time, and social pressures cause many to feel continually overwhelmed and unhappy. Some try tirelessly to meet those demands and others avoid or disregard them. Some refuse school altogether. 

Teenagers who are anxious about school feel a lack of control and a lack of meaning. Their lives feel overscheduled with directed activities that fill up most of their days. During a period in their lives when kids most desire independence, many teens feel they have little choice about how they spend their time. This can be discouraging and disempowering. Many teenagers that we have worked with at Princeton Learning Cooperative (PLC) expressed feeling overwhelmed and simultaneously bored in school. They were trying to keep their heads above water with schoolwork that interested them little if at all. Furthermore, when teens express their frustrations, they are often told that this is preparation for the real world, which can make them feel depressed, discouraged, or even cynical about their futures. 

If your child is struggling with school-related stress and anxiety, how do you help them and not make things worse? Here are a few recommendations to consider depending on your individual circumstances.

Neuropsychologist, Bill Stixrud, and educational advisor, Ned Johnson, co-authored The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say?, which together outline a fresh approach to parenting kids through school. The intent of this approach is to help children, particularly adolescents, have more control in their lives, a powerful antidote to stress and anxiety.

Bill and Ned lay out several practical changes that parents can make, a few of which may feel counterintuitive to some.

They reason that homework is not worth fighting over, and implore parents to instead take on a consultant role in which they make themselves available if needed, but otherwise withdraw themselves from any significant involvement in their teenage child’s schoolwork. This simple change can be very powerful in changing family dynamics, which sometimes underpin teen stress.

Parents should also make ample allowances for their child to have downtime. Bill and Ned argue that downtime not only provides rest for stressed out kids, but it promotes creativity and a sense of order in their lives.

Fostering internal motivation in kids rather than enforcing external motivators can help teens feel less anxiety about school and foster a fresh enjoyment of learning. Parents can de-emphasize the importance of grades while supporting their kids to learn things that are highly interesting to them and unrelated to schoolwork. This takes the pressure off, allowing the desire for learning to return.

When parents take a step back and stop trying to motivate their teen externally, the teenager is able to take control of their own time. When parents encourage their kids to make their own decisions, even if they choose unwisely, the personal agency teens develop is very empowering. Empowerment takes the wind out of the sails of anxiety.

Finally, parents can model a sense of control in their own lives. By making sensible choices, pursuing healthy interests, and modeling emotional stability when feeling stressed, parents help their kids become more equipped to handle the daily struggles that come their way.

If you don’t have time to read Bill and Ned’s books, you can watch them lecture on the topic here, or listen to Ned in an interview here.

Bill and Ned’s approach is helpful especially for kids who are feeling academic pressures from their parents and/or from themselves as an extension of external school and societal pressures. For some kids, letting air out of the pressure of school can be enough for them to be happy and healthy again.